truth is, when i meet people for the first time i try to be myself, remember to be kool and not put up a front. im a shy person at first, i dont say much. if there’s alcohol available i tend to drink to relax my nerves. that’s where it goes bad. i drink and i don’t stop drinking and i end up making a complete ass of myself to a bunch of strange people.

im normally a really down to earth, happy, and lovely girl. i make people laugh, i enjoy being around people. but there are times where i don’t think before i speak and i come off as really dumb. but im actually really smart.

nothing can take back that 1st impression. that 2nd impression should have been the chance to redeem yourself. but if you f that up you’re just lucky if you ever see anyone again. hah.

from here on out, i will cut down on the crazy and just be koo. if people like me for me than that’s whasup, they’ve gained a really good friend. and if people don’t like what they see than they can suck it. of course it’s saddening to say that people may not like me because i want to be liked by people. but if i have to put up a front for others to accept me than i’d rather be hated.

i’ve lost some potential boyfriends cause they said i was crazy. lol, that’s alright. they lost the best they could have had.

im so thankful for those who love me enough and my crazy and all, to stick around and be part of my life. it’s only a handful but i am grateful to have them all. they stick around when they’ve seen me at my worst, craziest, laziest, ugliest. for that they get to see me at my best.

Watching Selena. I cry, every time!

Ok, i know im in no position to talk, for the fact that i got pregnant as a freshman. Ahhh but i dont give shit! I still graduated, managed to finish technical college, so i can have a little say.

That’s all i wanna say tho. Lol

Ehh, i take that back. It’s their pussy, they do what they want.

people change because of life experiences, lessons learned, and simply growing up. the worst reason anyone can change, is to change for someone else.

i’m gonna start with relationships. people tend to change when they are in a relationship. im one of those people who tried to form myself into someone who i thought was someone that person wanted me to be. i changed the way i dressed. i quit smoking, and worst of all i changed my group of friends. how fake can i get. and for who? a boy? whom, can i add, i am no longer with. people claim that they “want what’s best for you” and that they only have your best interest in mind. but when you begin to lose who you are, authentically, you no longer are the person that you created. you are the person that they created.

people tend to change because they care too much of what people think about them. to be someone who is accepted by others isn’t all good if you can’t accept yourself. if you accept being a conformist, by all means go on. not being self expressive, but social expressive is what makes the media. go on and support the mainstream and devalue originality. not that mainstream is a bad thing…but once something or someone becomes a part of that they tend to change. i’ve heard hollywood can change people and it does. this is why i only own artists 1st albums. nikki’s pink friday, kanye’s college dropout (i dont think it’s his first, but the album that made him big), tyga’s no introduction. the rawness of the artist is what diffuses throughout their music career. they change to keep the audience or expand their audience, but me, personally, i’d much rather listen to their pilot albums than what they’re putting out now.

we need more artists like tupac. just saying.

when it comes to life experiences, situations that make you have to change the way you live, like becoming a parent, these changes are expected. bad habits that affect your health, is another reason why you should change which brings me to my final point:

the best change anyone can make and should make is to change for themselves. to be someone they can look at and say, yes, that’s me. that’s who i am, who i want to be. not in a douche-bag, im the shit, kind of way, but in a confident, i know my place, kind of way. change is good when you change to improve. INprove— improve from within.

lol ” ‘the’ timothydelaghetto” ok i’m fob for that.

now, i don’t want to call it a verse, more like a remix lol i don’t think the song goes with the original melody. but enjoy!

It’s been almost six years since i’ve been a mother. almost six years of laughs, tears, bad smells, cherishable moments, crazy messes, & THE BEST memories anyone can have. As a parent, i now think it’s time i share these moments…

On June 7th 2006, Jaron Isaac Sokhoun Bautista was born. His life was unexpected, unplanned, undetermined and most of all BLESSED.

Through ultrasounds and MRIs doctors and specialists found that Jaron will be born with a neural tube defect called spina bifida and along with that hydracephalus. Due to these conditions, 24 hrs post birth he had to undergo surgery to close the opening of his spine and to input a device called a shunt in his skull to drain excess fluids from the brain. He was then held in the NICU for 10 days for recovery and close supervision. Doctors told me that he wouldn’t be able to walk, he wouldn’t be able to develop mentally at a normal pace and he might not live a normal life. what really broke my heart is that they expected him to not make it out of the NICU. Days felt like weeks, and there was no way i was going to leave that hospital without that baby in my hands.

The day i got the ok to take this lil guy home i knew that his life was the beginning of a life full of beating odds. Each day i got to watch this kid grow stronger and smarter. Every day, month, year, was living proof that no matter what doctors tell you, there’s always a possibility that they are wrong and that science and medicine isn’t the only way. Through faith, strength, and believing that God has my back, has our back on this one, we can beat all odds.

This is Jaron this year. Full of life, full of energy, full of personality. Born into a family with big hope and never ending love. He taught each and every one of us a little something and he has proven to all of us that no matter what life throws at you, you can always smile. I am happy and proud to say that I am the mother of this boy <3

Happy Mother’s Day To ME!

This little man right here, really saved my life. There’s been a few points in life, before i had my son, where i really hated who i was, from my looks to my life. I mean i always had it well growing up and i always grew up knowing God. Even then, there’s personal things that can get to a person’s mind and break you down, make you want to give up. There were points in my life, where i felt so low, so worthless and pointless to even be here on this Earth.

then i got pregnant. although i didn’t experience the typical joys of pregnancy, being a 15 year old pregnant girl, i probably had the worst experience of pregnancy possible. i wasn’t proud of being pregnant at 15, i didn’t have a shoulder to cry on,  or anyone to talk to, so i thought. i was alone. i was on my own during my pregnancy and i felt even lower than low, i truly wanted to die.

after giving birth to this amazing strong boy i knew that this was my purpose all along. to raise a life to know God and to raise him to be all that he can be. This was my purpose in life. to live for what God has blessed me with and to be strong for my son so he can grow strong to be as strong as his mom. And i must say, he’s stronger than i am and more than i will ever be. Little does he know, he holds the key to my heart. I love you Jaron Isaac!

first of all, i thought we have the freedom to tweet whatever the fuck we want @ whoever! well, not too long ago, i tweeted @teennick and thanked them for bringing my 90s cartoons back and was happy that my son can watch the same cartoons i grew up watching. then i hash tagged #Teenmom and the fuckers deleted my tweet.

DONE.

lol ok, anyways let’s get real, i haven’t been blogging constantly because i have no time. since im up at 12am, why the HEFF not. Im here in my room watching doug thanks to TEENNICK and im thinking of a new song to write. it’s been a new thing ive been doing, three new songs in three days! keep this up and i can record an album.

but writing a song takes emotion, sometimes in order to write a song you have to put yourself in that emotion even if you don’t really feel it. it’s about producing good music and someone out there feels that emotion projected in the song.

then again, actually feeling that emotion that you put into a song can only make the song stronger. so either way, if it’s a good song, it’s a hit. if it’s not you should quit. just kidding, keep trying. or go through experiences, relationships, break ups and shit like that. a full life = good music. i told my friend that if i had the time i would make music my life, live laugh and breathe that shit. but i’ve got things to do and money to make! so this is just a hobby and something i love doing with my free time.

producing music is becoming a hobby and i love it! someone’s gotta use these instruments that are collecting dust. you know, you never realize what you can do until you put your talents, or what you think is talent, out there. you’d be surprised. and no, i’m not in it for the fame, i’m writing and composing for fun. and to share and get good comments and surprise people who never would have thought i had the capability is a good feeling.

cockiness comes from mere stupidity. someone who always had it all, doesn’t know what it’s like to be on the other end of things. cockiness is something you’ll find in people who have things handed to them nearly all the time and never know the value of anything other than easy. cockiness is far from confidence because you’ll never find anyone who works hard for their shit talking all that shit when the world knows, it’s all bullshit. cockiness is a way for people who, in reality, feel really low about themselves so they take what they got, talk about what they got, and never really be thankful for what they got. cockiness is a way to impress others while confidence is way to self impress.

confidence comes from someone who never had it and then obtained it over the years. their hard work, their mental fixation, all bought them confidence. confidence gives someone more than a label. confidence can mean everything when it comes to anything. getting a girl, getting a job, getting it. confidence can be read off of people by people who know or do not know what confidence feels like. confidence can be the key to one’s success, to one’s happiness. confidence is what makes people who they are. as much confidence as you have, is as much as you’ve lived and experienced. once you’ve been there, you kind of have a little more confidence that you can go through again and make a better outcome to any situation. confidence comes from lessons learned, time wasted, and time well played. it’s all up to the beholder, to where they will take that confidence. stick it up their ass and call it cockiness? or use it to be greater than.

cockiness will only get you as far as your eye can see. confidence is much more than what the eye can see. it’s what’s beyond the person who holds that confidence. it’s what they do, who they are, and what type of impression they leave on people. it’s more than looks, it’s more than materialistic things. cockiness focuses on what people have and what others can’t have. confidence shares goodness. confidence isn’t jealous, cockiness is. cockiness is the need and want to be better than others while confidence is the want to better than before.

we are not our past and by that being said, it gives us the confidence to move on to better things. cockiness is stuck in one place, constantly working to create an image that society believes is what’s “cool”. confidence is more personal. without confidence there’s not much a person would do. with cockiness there’s a lot one would say but not actually do.

there’s a big difference.

I’ve got to say i’m SO glad it’s friday. The weekEND. one more week gone and another to face. Good. shit. i don’t know where im going with this but i do have somethings i want to vent about. I’ve been too busy lately working, taking care of life’s business. Now that there’s time for me to gather my thoughts, rejuvenate on life, i can sleep well and wake up happy. I’ve been focusing on one thing and one thing only, more so often this week than any other. The Good Life. How do i get that and how do i give that to my family? Making right decisions, prioritizing what has to be done and what can wait. Faith is what i’m really hanging on. I have no clue what to do, what’s in store for me, but with faith i can be grateful for what’s been done, what’s happening now and what will be done. although there are aspects of my life that i want improvements on, i am grateful for the ongoing progress that is being made in my life, day by day, week by week. Things take time i understand. And patience is key. Focusing on what i say is the good life for my life is what i am doing. Slowly i feel things coming together and i picture me FLOSSIN. in and between the gums baby. that’s boss.

If you have an image, if you can imagine, what factors are stopping you from turning that imagination into reality? if you feel there are factors, there will always be factors. if you know you what you want, you can get it. with a right heart, perfect ambition, and serious strive and the will the push yourself further than what you feel you can’t do…i don’t see how things can be impossible. IM POSSIBLE is the way to live. to every thought that was impossible, there is a possibility. Life is simple physics. with the law of attraction, the law of the spirit, and the law of gravity things will fall into place. believing is one step to conceiving an idea that you feel you want or deserve. people will tell you, you can’t but only you can say and determine what you can or cannot do. who gave you a limit? think like a child, dream big and pursue what you see. focus on getting it rather than what’s stopping you from getting it. people tend to look more towards the negative side to things, there’s a law to opposition. to every wrong there’s a right. what goes up must come down, what’s negative, there’s a positive. think positive and positive things will happen. 

if it doesn’t happen right away it’s not the perfect time. timing can be something but it’s not everything. it’s a vision that is everything. it’s a real imagination, a real heart, and a real will to make a way. perfect timing…that is where faith comes in. i’ve talked about faith and how it takes strength to be faithful. so with that i will stay strong with a strong mind, body, soul and spirit, i will make things happen. i am getting closer to where i want to be, i know im not there yet but the beauty of things is that i have faith that when the time comes, all the circumstances in my life will be perfectly fit to the good life. they say nothing’s perfect if nothing’s perfect how can such a word even exist? perfection is an opinion, the way we feel how things are absolutely right in every way.

in my life, perfection of wealth, perfection of prosperity, perfection of abundance, perfection of beauty… it’s all there. i just gotta keep pushing myself to greater and better things and i’ll keep going beyond it.